It’s May and we’re rapidly heading into hell or, as some call it, winter. That horrible time of the year when braai options severely diminish and there’s daily jostling for position in front of the living-room fireplace, with your hibernating dog occupying the prime position at centre front. You’re left leaning over man’s best friend in an attempt to braai something on an undersized grid, all the while trying not to spill any braai drippings on the carpet. It’s a nightmarish time on the social calendar, when invitations all too frequently read ‘dinner party’ instead of ‘braai’.
As people braai less often, it’s natural that they get out of shape. You see, braaing is healthy and a form of exercise. So this year, I’ve developed a training programme for the serious braaier; by following this you should be in top condition come National Braai Day on 24 September, the official start of summer.
Pouring wine
This is a nice little warm-up exercise. Take two bottles of wine and, alternating arms, practise to pour wine. Real braaiers do this with steady hands and without spilling. Once you’ve mastered this, repeat the exercise, this time reaching out (as if you’re stretching across a fire), while pretending to turn chops with the other hand. Remember to make sure it’s a perfect pour every time. The more you repeat this exercise the better, but go slow and steady.
Turning the grid
This is one of the single most important parts of braaing and if you don’t do this properly your meat will burn. Fill your grid with old books or magazines to add some weight and turn it back and forth until your arms feel like mieliepap (maize-meal porridge). As you get stronger, extend your arm further away from your body as you turn the grid. Remember, in real life there’s a hot fire and your arm will be fully extended during grid turning. All top-class braaiers are ambidextrous grid turners, so train with both arms.
Potjie curls
After a lazy winter of sipping hot chocolate in front of the fireplace you don’t want to be caught with flabby and unresponsive bicep muscles come summer. Keep your guns in shape and make sure they can lift that beer to your mouth while it’s still cold. Lift your cast-iron pot slowly and repeat with the other arm. As you get stronger fill the pot with water.
Cooler-box lifts
Cooler boxes can be heavy, but to make grunting noises when you pick them up is unacceptable. It shows you’re unfit and, worse, that you’re not braaing often enough to be used to their weight. Get those grunts out of your system during winter and ensure a clean and controlled lift of the cooler box come braai season. Obviously you’ll need to fill it with water before you start, otherwise it’s too light. This resembles a gym exercise known as the barbell bent-over row, which forms part of the official Ryk Neethling fitness programme, so if you don’t trust me then at least trust the Olympic gold medallist.
(Photographs of Jan by Stephanus Rabie)
