I had a great childhood, safe and outdoorsy. Things started to go wrong when I attended high school. I wasn’t happy there because I didn’t consider myself academic.
My mom, Gaye, had my brother, Edward, and there was a 13-year age gap. We moved house, and then my dad, Ted, moved out. The girls at school were obsessed with losing weight. Aged 15, I jumped on the bandwagon, and things spiraled out of control. I developed anorexia, bulimia and depression.
I started drinking at university in my early 20s, not just to have a couple, but to blackout. Guilt and shame followed, and I drank more to escape those emotions. I overdosed on medication and attempted suicide on several occasions.
I didn’t realise how much I was hurting my family. They were at a loss as to how to help me. Mom had never felt depressed in her life and couldn’t understand it; Dad was aware alcoholism was an illness.
I went to my first eating disorder rehab at Groote Schuur Hospital in my second year of university. Rehab only works if you want to get better. I learnt more about facilitating my disease than recovering from it.
I don’t remember driving while drunk and causing an accident, and even the first parts of being in the hospital are a blur. I didn’t hit anybody, and there was no one else in the car with me. I came out of the side window and landed on my head, causing a neck fracture but no brain damage. It could’ve been worse.
I met my late husband Leonard at rehab. Our relationship was codependent, but he loved me fiercely. He died 10 years after we met from excessive drinking and later kidney failure. We were best friends but separated when he passed away, as he’d started drinking again. I went into autopilot organising his funeral and didn’t acknowledge how I felt until later.
I’ve been sober for 13 years, but it’s not like my mental health issues and addiction have gone away. My ‘coping skills’ still rear their head, only they’re more manageable because I’ve learnt to talk about things, accept myself and ask for support.
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Leonard still had a decent job when he died and had left me money. I used it to fund a round-the-world trip. Someone suggested I do a freediving course in Egypt. I enjoyed holding my breath underwater because you must be calm, not think about anything else and override what your body wants to do. It’s like meditation. It gave my brain a break.
I discovered the Guinness World Record for the longest swim under ice in a single breath, wearing only a costume, and breaking it gave me something to aim for. My first attempt in Finland was disastrous, as I got tangled in the ropes. In 2020, I successfully attempted the record in Oppsjø, Norway, with 70 m, and in 2021, the longest underwater walk with one breath (female), achieved with 109.60 m in Dahab, South Sinai, Egypt. I knew I could go further. Even now, I know I could.
To prepare for my current record, I trained in Cape Town for distance and technique and then swam in a lake in Germany to get my body used to freezing temperatures.
But I blacked out during my attempt in Norway last year, which meant I’d have to wait another year to try again. The blackout and my fear of not being able to cope with the cold or wanting to come up for air while holding my breath played on my mind when I returned to Norway. Documentary makers following my attempt depended on my success to finish their programme. I had one dive, maybe two, to break my record. Now more than ever, I wanted to drink to escape the stress, but I needed to focus, or it wouldn’t work.
Luckily, I had a team of people to support me, led by Arve, a Norwegian headmaster who helped me complete my record attempts safely as a passion project during school holidays. On Saturday, I broke my previous record, swimming 100 m under ice in a single breath, wearing only a costume, and on Sunday, 105 m, then 110 m, this time adding the use of a monofin. I had broken not one but three Guinness World Records in the space of two days!
Ultimately, I want to help other people who suffer and struggle with mental illness realise there are ways of coping and that they can still chase their goals.
amberfillary.com
Instagram: Amberfillaryiceswimmer
This article was written by Lisa Abdellah for Getaway’s June 2024 print edition. Find us on shelves for more!
(Pictures: Courtesy Images)
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