Golf courses are, in my learned experience, some of the best places in South Africa to braai. The grounds are usually well maintained with the lawns cut into artful shapes called ‘tee’, ‘fairway’, ‘green’ and ‘rough’. There are breathtaking water features, lots of trees and an abundance of sandpits to play in. And I’ve yet to visit a golf course that doesn’t have braai facilities; be it a built-in braai, a half oil barrel or both. Many of the newer golf courses, called golf estates, even have private braai areas you can buy – they give you a free house with it.
The only bad thing about a golf course is you have to play golf there. You see, golf can be a pretty unpleasant game when they force you to compete according to the old rules. So I wrote a new set, which makes the game fun to play.
Golf rules for braaiers
1. You must use a golf cart
Golf is recreation, not sport. If I want exercise, I’ll go for a run paddle or surf. Hauling a bag of irons from one failed shot to the next doesn’t relax me; driving an underpowered miniature car at speed over rough terrain, on the other hand, does. It makes hitting a bad shot fun, because you need to go find that ball. If you think renting the cart is expensive, just play golf less often. I play about four times a year: go for quality rather than quantity.
2. You have to play from the ladies’ tee
The design of a golf course assumes you’ll reach the fairway after one shot. If you don’t manage that, it’s better to start from the ladies’ tee. Failing to make your second shot from the vicinity of the fairway means you aren’t playing the course in its intended way, so why are you there?
3. If your ball lies in a bad place, move it somewhere better
Professional golfers can hit balls with a curve, to go around trees. The whole challenge for a beginner is to hit straight. Hitting the ball when it’s behind a tree is counter-productive to your advancement as a golfer.
4. Arrive with many spare balls, I’d say at least 25
In the vicinity of golf courses there are usually persons from the informal sector selling second-hand golf balls. They find them in trees and water features and, to support the local economy, I buy my balls here. During the round I hit most of these back to where they came from, so it’s a closed ecosystem, really. At the time of writing, you could get 25 balls for R50, which is what I need for the average round.
5. You’re not allowed to get upset when you lose a ball, but you are allowed to take another shot – and the failed shot doesn’t count
The trauma of losing a ball is punishment enough and it’s cruel to penalise someone with another shot. As the ball cost only R2 and you get to repeat the shot without penalty, it’s no big deal, so you can relax.
6. You can’t publicly tell anyone your score
Because you broke many of the traditional rules, fill in your scorecard for personal progress review only, but never hand it in. The handing in of scorecards is for those following the unemancipated golf rules, not you.
7. Should the ladies’ and men’s tee be close together on any particular hole and you’re feeling lucky, you may exercise the option to play that hole from the men’s tee
If you play that entire hole within the parameters of the traditional golf rules – i.e. never touching the ball until it’s in the hole – and you make an impressive score on that hole, you may claim it publicly. Which brings us to the point of this whole article: I recently made a legitimate birdie on the 18th at Pezula.
For more of Jan’s cracking anecdotes and flaming recipes,go to http://www.getaway.co.za/author/jan-braai/ . If you’re interested in the real rules of golf, go to www.compleatgolfer.co.za.
(Photograph by Carl Fourie)
