A little while ago, a video of a somewhat inebriated ranger charging into the bush at a confused elephant found its way onto the Internet (watch it here). Citizens were appalled, shocked, up in arms. Some even resorted to using words like ‘flabbergasted’ and called for him to be banned from national parks for life.
My first reaction, like my first reaction to most things, was to smile. I’m not a bad person. It’s a defence mechanism that I’ve cultivated to exonerate myself from giving an initial opinion on a topic I find confusing (my mom still doesn’t know exactly what I think of her paella).
After some thought (and the realisation that the elephant in question could have easily turned him into a bush rug) I decided the video was the best thing I’d ever seen. It was a glimpse of hope into a blissful future. A future in which our burgeoning population is measured and controlled by one factor alone: common sense.
In nature, common sense is the basis of survival. Darwinians, bear with me. I know it’s a lot more complex, but I have only a page and admittedly I fell asleep while reading On the Origin of Species (I know you did too). Humans, however, have circumvented this crucial step in population control with things such as electrical socket covers, seatbelt-fastening instruction videos and ‘Caution: Hot’ signs on microwaveable plates. This mollycoddling to the lowest common denominator is (among other things) why idiots live and breathe and work. And survive long enough to go to game reserves and do things such as get out of their cars, feed baboons or try give an elephant beer by running toward him full of it.
Then we want them banned from national parks for life. But game reserves are exactly where they should be. See, while we’ve all gone soft, rewarding stupidity with second chances and vanilla ice cream, our animal brethren have not. Stupidity in the wild is another word for food.
I say run out into the bush at that elephant. Hang out of your car and practise your macro photography next to a pride of lions. Hell, get out there and go for a nice stroll along the banks of the Crocodile River. In fact, we could turn regular safaris into a reality series: Survivor – Kruger. Jeff Probst would narrate as we all watch some clown trying to erect a pop-up tent next to hyena den. Now there’s a reality show I’d watch.
By now, some of you are shaking your heads saying, ‘that will jeopardise the safety of everyone. Animals will get a taste for humans and there will be absolute carnage.’
This is not true. Idiots taste different to regular people. They taste like lager and release a loud echo when bitten into. We’d hear it for miles.
‘Hear that?’
‘Oh ja! I think they got another idiot.’
Illustration by James Berrange
