I’m pretty bad at gift giving. Over the years I’ve learned that if the joy of Christmas is in the giving, there’s little more mortifying than an ill-received present.
There have been the occasional inspired successes and a few lucky guesses, but they amount to little more than outliers on a long line of embarrassing disasters. Sometimes it’s haste – the panic buy, and I can remember at least one case of rather artless malice, but for the most part I can plead only my own selfishness, insensitivity and innate stupidity.
Of course, if you’re specifically looking to be memorable, then awkward and embarrassing gifts are the way to go. I think we’ve all been on the receiving end often enough to know that a truly inappropriate gift lives far longer in the memory than the one you were hoping for and were happy to receive.
Take the luminous green y-fronts I got from my grandparents when I was 11 years old. Eleven is not an age when you want to be unwrapping underwear in front of your entire extended family. When said underwear are bright-green, nylon-cotton y-fronts that you’re obliged to hold up sheepishly in front of your sniggering cousins, it hardly matters that they’re also the wrong size. It’s my only clear memory from that year. I’m only grateful I wasn’t asked to model them.
Anyway. Those scars have more or less healed and in an effort to come right and atone for past sins, I thought I’d put together a list of some of the more obvious howlers that you might want to avoid this festive season (unless you’re looking to be deliberately nasty).
And if you’ve ever received any really awkward presents that you’d like to share, I’d welcome your comments below.
Underwear
I’ve just mentioned them, so let’s get them out the way. Woolies boxers and granny-pants are obviously right out, but stay clear of the novelty stuff as well. Anything with a trunk should be avoided at all costs.
There’s something to be said for sexy underwear I suppose, but oh hells, you’d better get it right. If you’re the sort of dude or dudette who feels confident in this department, then good luck to you. With great risk comes great reward, or so I’m told. That, or colossal failure. The choice is yours.
And whatever you do, do not buy, make, or in any way come into contact with these….
Diet pills
It may seem too obvious to mention, but I’ve heard them given. Anything to do with weight-loss is just bound to send an awkward message, especially just before a massive Xmas lunch. Scales, slimming pants, diet cookbooks, gym membership – all fall into the same category. Don’t remind people they’re out of shape unless you also want it known that you don’t like them very much.
Exercise equipment
Exercise equipment is a grey area. If you know for a fact that your lucky giftee would just love the latest Salomon trail running shoes then no doubt they’d make a great gift, but an exercise bike for your overweight uncle who’s never professed an interest in riding? Maybe have a rethink.
Grooming kits
I’m thinking nose/ear trimmers, hair-removal creams, epilators, that kind of thing. Nothing says, “you remind me of a gorilla” quite like a hair-removal product.
Giant stuffed animals and other age dependent toys
Your trendy niece may once have loved that huge fluffy teddy, but she’s 17 now and that kind of thing ain’t cool.
Books with a message
Maybe he is an utter berk, but Xmas is not the time to try and teach him a lesson. Avoid books with titles like For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women. The other day I also noticed this one in the bookshop: Why Men Fall Out of Love: The Secrets They Don’t Tell. Probably not a good present idea either.
Teenage education books
It’s hard to imagine anything more embarrassing for a teenager than unwrapping How to Talk to Girls in front of a packed family gathering. Or Overcoming Social Anxiety and Shyness. Or My Changing Body. There are loads of them. Don’t do it. These are not Xmas presents. Ever.
Cologne
It’s just so dated the cologne thing. Soap on a rope is another no-no. It either says ‘I think you’re old,’ ‘I think you smell,’ and/or ‘I have no imagination whatsoever.’
Household appliances
Vacuum cleaners, ironing boards, even waffle makers and blenders. If they didn’t explicitly ask for it, don’t buy it. Few people like to feel that they’re expected to cook or clean.
Mugs of any type
Especially novelty mugs, but there’s no mug out there that’s going to say much more than ‘it’s the thought that counts.’ A set of crystal whisky glasses for the connoisseur is a different story, but a mug emblazoned with ‘The best wife in the world’? No.
Knitted beards
I can’t fathom where these things have come from, but they are not cool. Don’t buy them people; you’re only encouraging whoever makes them to make more.
Items of clothing you’ve made yourself
I know a guy whose whole family hand-knits each other a patterned Xmas sweater every year. It’s a big deal for them and they love it. By now they’ve actually become quite good at it too and presumably they have a merry old time looking back on previous years’ handiwork and laughing at the dropped stitches. For the non-tailors among us, however, hand-made clothing is an extremely dodgy area. Unless you really know what you’re doing, avoid.
Clothing in general
In fact, steer clear of all clothing gifts – especially if you’re a guy buying for a girl. Too many dangers here guys. Too big? She’ll think you think she’s fat. Too small? She’ll think you think she’s fat. Even if you nail the size you’ve still got to pick her style just right as well. Too risky. Avoid, avoid, avoid.
Accessories that don’t match her clothes
This is the area where I’ve fallen down heaviest. I can offer no advice other than to try to have a look in her wardrobe first. It’s never helped me and I usually just tag along on shopping trips and pounce on items that seem to engender any interest.
Novelty condoms
No form of condom should ever be an Xmas present. One of my favourite comedians once bought an ‘industrial-sized’ box of condoms for his girlfriend for Xmas, but Karl Pilkington is not to be emulated. The ones pictured here apparently light up and play music when touched. Who thinks of this stuff?
And last but not least … the gentleman’s ball scratcher
This is just so idiotic it’s probably not even awkward. Har, har, bin I think. Available on Amazon (currently at a whopping 43% discount. I cannot imagine why.)
