We have all experienced, some more frequently than others, that awkwardly obtuse tradition of wooing the opposite sex into the act of copulation. Many do it for recreational purposes and others out of tradition. Some attempt the process without much success whilst others seem to be regular Don Juan DeMarco’s. If you, like me, struggle to titillate the other gender or feel that your tastes border on the absurd take solace in the knowledge that, for the most part, you have it a little better than the rest of the animal kingdom. From snake orgies to dismemberment and cannibalism, these are 12 of the most bizarre animal acts of love:
1. The Hippo
Now here is a classy fellow. The suave male hippo courteously covers the object of his affections in a spray of faeces, which he flings about by delicately lifting his tail, and then twirling it around like a propeller. I do recall a night when I tried to do the windmill with my recently removed shirt in an effort to ignite the flame of passion between my amour and myself. Admittedly, my attempts did not quite propel the nights events forward as much as I would have liked. Perhaps I should be taking a page out of Mr Hippo’s book on my next attempt?
2. Midge
Not one to ever kiss and tell the female midge gives her male partner a quite literal kiss of death, as she greedily sucks out his body fluids during intercourse. I have a sneaky suspicion that I have encountered one or two of these incarnate. Thankfully my encounters have been abundantly less fatal and far more pleasurable than the poor midge. I’ll just leave it at that though.
3. Octopus
I am glad I wasn’t born an octopus. The male octopus has a lot to lose during the mating process as his penis breaks off during the act (Oh come on!). Luckily it does grow back the following year – bonus – but it still sounds like a pretty nasty experience. Of course if subtle subterfuge is more your game you could be part-octopus. There lives another species of octopus that is known to be quite the sneaky little devil. Whilst the other males are busy fighting for females, he changes his skin to mimic the female’s colouration, which then allows him to quietly approach and get the girl. In human terms I am yet to see a cross-dressing man able to pull off this little trick. Then again, I could just be too busy fighting with the other males…
4. Porcupine
Mating for porcupines would seem to be quite the prickly business – I mean just look at all those quills! Unfortunately the courting process of the porcupine is far less appealing than the potential light S&M, promised by its appearance. As it turns out, the male spots a ‘potential’ and follows her around until she ‘relieves’ herself. After he sniffs her urine he will then proceed to serenade her with a singing noise. If she likes what she hears she turns to face him and they rear up stomach to stomach, and gaze into each others’ eyes deeply. He then seals the deal by drenching her with copious amounts of urine. Nice. This does bear a striking resemblance to a night a ‘buddy’ once had at a night club though.
5. Flatworm
Penis jousting anyone? Flatworms are hermaphrodites and so in order to decide who ‘wears the pants’ in the relationship, they joust with their penises – naturally. The victor gets to exert his ‘male dominance’ in the relationship with the loser becoming impregnated and having to lay the eggs. Simple. I am pretty sure that it is not the size of the ‘lance’ but how the flatworm uses it, or so I have heard?
6. Elephant
Men! If you really want to get somewhere with the fairer sex be sure to take a leaf out of the chivalrous elephant’s tree of knowledge. Male elephants spend weeks wooing their beloved. They wait on her ‘trunk and hoof’ by bringing her food, gently spraying her with water and just generally being a stand-up gent. As it turns out this pre-coital behaviour works as I am sure the female manages to remember each and every act of kindness. Also, it goes without saying, that if he were to slip-up just once – he would never hear the end of it!
7. Red-sided garter snake
Red sided garter snakes indulge in a massive orgy, with one female having over 100 males attempting to mate with her at once! Not unlike a certain ex of mine, except I may be exaggerating the numbers. Slightly. During this mass-orgy gigantic nesting balls are formed, with an immense number of snakes squashed together in a deathly crush. Unfortunately this often kills the poor females at the bottom of the pile. Even though the females are dead the males continue to mate with them! What gentlemen?
8. Anglerfish
If your marriage counselor keeps bringing up that ‘co-dependency issue’ which has been plaguing your relationship since forever, politely inform her that you could be far worse. The male anglerfish, as an example, is born with no digestive system of its own. You have your own digestion system. So that’s You: 1 Anglerfish: 0. Once the male is born it has to latch onto the bigger female post haste or else he will perish. He achieves ‘relationship status’ by biting into her and releasing an enzyme that obliterates some of her flesh, thus allowing to attach himself to her and ‘mooch’ for the rest of his short-lived life. He eventually disintegrates into a tiny bump on her side, where his sperm is kept for when she is ready to reproduce. Look, it isn’t all bad for him though… I mean have you seen what the female anglerfish look like?
9. Slug
The male slug’s penis is so disproportionately large in comparison to his body that he must find a delightful female companion of equal size, or risk having the offending organ bitten off during intercourse! A clear case of size-matters if I ever saw it!
10. Camel
This fellow brings a whole new meaning to the idea of drooling after a good looking gal! When he’s in the mood for some loving, the male camel starts salivating excessively, creating a foaming white froth that covers his jowls. If that wasn’t enough to get the attention of his paramour he also produces a soft, pink sack which lolls out the side of his jaw effectively making him irresistible to her. I never quite manage to pull off this technique, though, as fool-proof as it might seem.
11. Honey bee
I’m sure Shakespeare was inspired by the poor honey bee. There is nigh nothing that has quite perfected the tragic romantic act of dying-for-love quite like this busy body. After ejaculation, the male honey bee’s genitals stay lodged within the queen bee, breaking off his body completely. Whilst his ex-genitals prevent any other ‘okes’ from ‘smaaking’ his queen – by acting like a plug – the poor guy dies soon after due to having his penis wrenched-off in the heat of passion! Best sex of his life? More like only sex of his life!
12. Praying mantis
Everyone always goes on about the Black Widow and how ‘evil’ she is whilst little-miss-I’m-innocently-praying gets a free pass! More like preying Mantis, if you ask me! The female praying mantis doesn’t even wait for the poor guy to finish as she starts devouring his head during intercourse. When she was asking for head he clearly didn’t comprehend what she meant. The good news is that even without his head, the male can continue the act. Now that’s stamina!
So next time you find yourself struggling to entice a lady just consider the lengths some of our other friends in the animal kingdom go to. Puts a little bit of perspective on your meagre attempt of flowers and paying for the bill doesn’t it?
Images by Meneer Zjeroen, Mrs B, prilfish, cumulius, charminbayurr and audreyjm529
Additional research by Samantha Corbett
